Striving

I'm currently coming off a 3-4 week illness flare. It was brought on by trying to switch my meds to the prescription version. While in it I slowly became more and more disabled. It feels like I walked into a fog of fatigue topped with slow cognitive function. I speak less, I think less, I do less until I spend almost 24 hours lying down. Then I said 'Fuck this' and quit that med and go back to what works. Thank the universe that there is a 'going back' now. Touching that deep state of illness again my whole body and mind shutters to a stop. As soon as I get back on the good meds it feels like my human-ness, my personality, my ME starts up again. I get to be myself again.

When I log back on I can feel it in my bones. In riding these waves I have never been more determined to enjoy it while it lasts. I have never been very good at being in the present moment. I will ruminate on the past and plan for the future. My brain likes to stick to moments or challenges and figure them out. The present moment isn't about figuring things out, its about reacting and impulse. As I navigate this illness I am learning I better damn well take the good moments as they are here. I better soak them up and fill them up with the things that set me on fire and make me feel alive. Struggle is my teacher and then in the ease maybe I get to enjoy it?

I have spent my whole life trying to be better at things. I historically do this with research, talking to experts, listening and reading. But there is a missing piece there, the action. With running, the action came relatively easy. In this new body it does not. It comes at a cost, it comes with an asterisk and stipulations. I can do that, maybe... if I am having a good day, week, month, or year. I used to be able to count on my body and mind, that if I wanted to do the action it would just be there waiting for me. So planing a race 6 months out was no big deal. I knew I just had to knuckle down and do the work. Planing a trip on a weekend also was a relative breeze. I knew I would be able to fit all the pieces together to make that happen. Now everything isn't as stable or sure. 

But maybe thats okay. Its just bringing out a new side of me. One that is more about taking advantage of the energy and moment I am in. One that does way less planing all future moments. My brain really wants to repeat successful actions. One good run and I am planing the next 6 weeks of workouts. That worked and felt good so lets just do more and more of that. Now I have to take the moments as they come and try to tell that part of my brain to calm down. All that planing comes with a hefty bill of disappointment. 

Last night my whole self lit up playing a neighborhood wiffle ball game. Physical activity is paramount to my mental state. The act of moving my body in a fun and exciting way will literally bring me buckets of joy. Enough to balance out the rest of my life. I planned this game after a year of random backyard pick up moments with our neighbors. At the time many of those I didn't have the energy to participate in. But there was a natural moment before the 3rd of July Fireworks to take advantage of. I knew there would be rest time for myself before and after incase it sent me into another fatigue spiral. I was back on the good meds. The rain almost canceled it all an hour before but we powered on and had one of the best nights I have had in years. It felt so good to feel alive again. I got to participate like I would have two decades ago. I got to heal a tiny bit of my childhood self that often felt intimidated in gym class sports. I know I cant hold all the rules to these ball games in my head. I know I suck at that. But I can hit and I can run and I can breathe and I can laugh and I can enjoy it with my full present self. Its so much sweeter after all this striving.