Giving a Shit

 

I have been thinking a lot about how lucky we are to give a shit. What it means to be someone who cares deeply about something. To invest time and energy into something even if its not popular or common. I wrote my college entrance essay on having passion for things, in my case the sport of running. Even then I believed there was a dynamic difference between liking something, loving something and that deeper passion that causes a drive towards it that can't be stopped. It was a bit cheesy, or as kids say now 'cringe' especially for me, but true.

I like people that like things that deeply. I may not personally care about your most precious hobby but if you are invested in it just like I am invested in mine than you are instantly on my nice list. Because we will get each other and I know it. It takes away a lot of the misunderstanding and confusion around the level of intensity we may pursue these hobbies. It clears the path for development, ease and mastery. 

Sometimes I enjoy things only up to the point of deep understanding. That until I fully grasp the concept, task or skill I will put in all the work necessary. Then once understood I feel free and comfortable to move onto the next. I know a lot of neurodiverse folks who beat themselves up about this. I definitely see it in a different light. While I love consistency and routine, I don't think everything needs to be done forever.

But the passion is transferable. 

If we are blessed to stumble upon the thing that lights us up forever, early on, we are some of the lucky few. Its what sports parents, dance parents and music parents are chasing for their children. The chance that maybe they can help their kid find that thing. Maybe they at some point in their life realized the value in this and just want that for their kid. Maybe they want to give them opportunities they didn't have. I think less than people realize they want them to be professional or even excellent at it. Those things often can come with the level of intensity I'm talking about, but not necessarily. And its not generally the main goal, more like a nice added bonus along the way. 

I came into my relationship with my husband already a dedicated athlete. It was a great litmus test for if a partner can hang with me right off the bat. I can't remember a boyfriend I had who didn't 'get it', maybe its just my personality, I would have shut that down on day one. I never denied my love for the sport, it almost always came first and I built the rest of my life around it. That is what it takes to be at that level. I was never a natural talent and I had to put in a lot of hard work to get the outcome I desired and often fell short. Now I know maybe some parts of my genetic makeup just couldn't keep up even if other parts were at their best. I have a metabolic disorder that effects energy usage in every cell of my being. The more I learn about it, the more I realize I was fucking lucky to be able to do it at the level I did for so long. But it was black and white, simple math most of the time. Put in the work = get the outcome. I have struggled to understand people who don't support their partners passionate endeavors. While I have seen people be 'too dedicated' to these pursuits maybe at the expense of other relationships. Or even to the point of physical breakdown and harm. I have also seen partners squash interest or even control the ability to explore what I would consider generally healthy, net positive, activities. That old mantra "happy wife, happy life" seems to apply. I consider someone wielding delusional control over their partners life in such a way they can't casually pursue deep interests to be abusive. A hard no, red flag situation. 

All this to say I miss running, always and forever. When my friends and family ask if I am still doing it I now say "If I would I could, in a heartbeat" or lately have been telling Torrey what body parts I would gratefully trade in to have the ability to do it again. A finger? Instant yes. A whole hand? If its my non dominate? Absolutely. An ear? YEP.  This probably sounds nuts to some, but that is the best way to describe how much I miss it that I can think of. Giving a shit about something enough to try it and then on top of that being lucky enough to do it well and enjoy it?! Phew, what a privilege. Do I think this means you have to be happy about it all the time. Walk around with a smile on your face? Absolutely not, caring enough about something to be frustrated by it, angry, curious, confused. Caring enough to have emotion around it, is part of the pleasure. I can get kind of emotional these days watching adults be able to still do what they love physically. I have a lot of feelings about it, I still have to be careful talking about it all if I don't want to just start weeping. But please ask anyways, its my favorite thing. The grief will always be there but that will never take away how thankful I am I got to feel it at all. 

For those of you who have been on this road with me for a decade or two, or maybe just since the long covid/deep illness days. I have strung more good weeks together this fall then I have in the past 5 years. I seem to have figured out a supplement cocktail that keeps 90% of my symptoms at bay. A tiny hopeful voice deep down in my soul says that maybe with time it can help me heal fully? Running is a litmus test (my new favorite saying) for full healing. If someday I can run without my cells freaking out then I know my body has healed enough to be back. But it also may never be possible to get that well again. Doctors don't seem to know, and I am my own case study of one. Honestly I feel so good day to day these days I don't even test the water anymore. I used to try to run anytime I felt slightly well and it would be soul crushing and often lead to worse symptoms. But I have managed to have full days with only short naps, be cognitively and physically more present. Instead of feeling the age of my parents or even grandparents I once again feel 42, and on good days younger. I am stronger and more mobile than I have been in decades with 2-3 times a week functional strength training. I feel good enough to dance for a while (another pleasure) and try to get back into downhill skiing this winter. I don't take any of this for granted but it doesn't mean I will ever stop wanting more.