There is no Comeback

 I write when I'm grieving or confused. To make sense of my feelings and thoughts. So I apologize if reading these posts in a row just feels like I'm stuck, and whining. The timestamps prove I go months feeling hopeful, or at peace with this, but then something flares. New information is taken in, I talk to a new doctor and again a wave of grief hits. Then I write.

I finally switched doctors and ran more tests and talked to the Mitochondrial specialists in the area who thankfully, also happens to know and have studied Carnitine deficiency syndromes. Specifically this crazy research about this island of people who have the disorder. So, she knows her stuff. I was able to chat with her again this morning. 

Its not like they tell me anything I don't already know. But to hear her say that there is a good chance Covid turned on something that will be with me the rest of my life can still hit hard. That there is a good chance there is no 'comeback' to endurance sports for me. I will manage my energy with my supplemental Carnitine but my body may never be able to handle sport, cold/hot temps, or high stress like it did ever again. She cant say for sure I wont recover but she also can't say I will. Time is the only thing that will tell me that. 

I now have friends who have no idea I was a runner. I am very close with many of my neighbors and we moved here right before I got sick, so basically all of them have no idea or only know I used to run. You have no idea how much of your identity is wrapped up in one thing until its gone. I did always have a full life outside of running, but being an endurance athlete was something I loved about myself. It was also a special interest, I loved following the science and sport,  a true nerd. An olympian gets to say they are an olympian for life. The president will always be addressed as president. But the rest of us? Once that life is removed from the present, its up to us wither we want to voice that it existed at all. There is no wikipedia page that says I used to beat 80% of the boys in road races. Oh how I miss kicking mens asses in races. "Girl-ing" them in the home stretch. Im not embarrassed to admit that now. It felt fucking awesome. Nothing feels like running fast and at the same time strong and under control. Nothing feels like miles 5-8 of a 8 mile run when you are having a good day. When you can crank that screw a little bit with no repercussions except gained fitness. That is utter bliss. The highest of highs. Maybe I would have been drawn to drugs if I hadn't had running because fuck I loved that. Such endorphins. Such adrenaline pumping through every ounce of your being. Cleansed, pushing limits that only are restrained by time and motivation. Nothing compares. 

I want to yell to that new person I met. Who mentions they are in a running group and looks at me like I have no idea about the sport... that in fact I do. ACTUALLY I WAS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH IT.

"Back in my day.... " Said it old man voice...

Things I have tried to replace the gaping hole running left in my heart:

Biking - still similar physical limits here, but its not so bad.... I guess. 

Puzzling competitions

Bottle feeding and caring for litters of newborn foster kittens

Non running Friends - I do honestly have much more time for them

But the hole is still there, and always will be. Im so grateful for my current health. So thankful I found what was wrong and am able to manage it so well. But blowing out the last bit of hope that in fact I would return to running this year still hits hard. 

I keep saying this. But I think I need to stop trying all together and move on. At least for a few years. 

Its over.