Only Running feels like Running

This is maybe the 4th time I have whole heartedly tried to 'train' again since I got long covid in 2020. And the 4th time it didn't work. Its pretty obvious my body still can not handle running but I had to mentally rule it out. Since starting Carnitine supplementation I felt so much better day to day I thought maybe it had fixed everything. I think I always knew deep down it was a mirage. That oasis in the desert that as I got closer kept fading away. 

I'm a little less heartbroken this time. Last time I was devastated. It was a valid effort, I stacked as many days of running together that I could muster from September to January. I waited for the day it wouldn't exhaust me or the day it felt easier and my heart-rate calmed down. Those days didn't come. Instead it slowly drained me again, even with the supplementation. While my brain loved the dopamine hit there wasn't enough joy to overcome the fatigue. 

Only Running feels like Running 

Maybe running from my teen years gave me a weird addiction to that high. It became normal, it became something I thought people could feel in everyday life. It was a drug always in my system. Taken away, I still feel joy but that specific wild flowing blood pumping endurance joy isn't achievable anywhere else. At least not while I'm still battling this mysterious mitochondrial dysfunction. I get to remember the sensation but I don't get to feel it. 

I told myself today, I made it 50% better so maybe someday I can go the rest of the way. I have a new doctor, I did more tests. IM FINE! they all say, except my Carnitine levels are still low. I now do a LOT of self talk to keep the nasty thoughts down. Running used to be so good at keeping the nasty thoughts down. 

I joke I'm the healthiest broken person there is. Nothing is wrong with me, except this one thing... that effects everything.

I will learn to live with this and find a life that satisfying while still rolling the ball in the direction of a cure.  I dont really have a choice. The envy in my heart when I see people out on runs still stings. The saddness when someone says "man, I wish I could nap everyday" when they dont realize its not a choice. The fact that they cant means they are working with a complete system I would love to have. 

Deep breath. Reframe. Therapy. Schedule another appointment. Read another article. Keep going

This article is excellent if you want to nerd out more:

Mitochondrial dysfunction in long COVID: mechanisms, consequences, and potential therapeutic approaches

If you made it this far. Im excited to have a reason to make new memories by walking this munchkin around the neighborhood. Its amazing how just being on the same sidewalks I used to run on can cause a visceral longing. But maybe walking a new dog will help build a new vision! We bring her home the end of the month.