I don't go to movies often. Movie theaters I mean, but also I don't watch action movies or suspense or horror. For years I haven't. Its not like I actively stopped going but something in my body just said 'no thanks' and I didn't push it. My vivid visual imagination and memory means I will remember the parts I don't want to. For years, decades, recalling them at my worst times. I remember by feeling. How a person or location feels, if I can visualize the feeling I can bring it back like it was yesterday.
If I have too many bad feelings about a person or place it makes it hard for me to return, even if I love them, even if confusion or overwhelm is my biggest feeling, not some real human error on their part. My sensory experience can be so strong that I get a trauma response.
For movies it's probably always been the noise. If I knew that, realized that, the noise is too much for me. Now I know for a fact that my ears are extremely sensitive and I do not 'get used to' sound. So that shock of how loud the first few seconds of a movie are, to me stays the whole time. Then my body thinks I'm in danger, then it takes in even more sensory experience as protection. Maybe its not an accident I stare at the EXIT signs. In action movies when someone can be calmly talking and in an instant a loud explosion goes off, that thrill for most people is way. too. much. for me. My body says leave, don't come back, this hurts.
Children crying or laughing, people cackling, cars revving engines, un expected drills and power tools, cooking sizzling food, fans running, so so many everyday things all these years over and over again. Now that I know the benefit of ear plugs and headphones. Now I feel myself staying calm in loud environments if I'm wearing them, able to stay regulated and present and more verbal. Even with this knowledge I have a lot of history to untangle. I even have to re-learn what 'loud' means because to me, any noise I am not making myself is 'loud', a video game in another room, a person talking at the next table, the dogs nails pacing around on the floor, if I'm overwhelmed these small things are too much.
Maybe I didn't like museums because I had to wait in a hot loud line, I often couldn't eat when I needed too, had to go to the bathroom but it seemed like too far away, had to walk around on other peoples schedules, had to pretend to like things I didn't because I was following the social rules that I thought made me a good and honest person, had to stand until my feet burned and legs tingled, had to...had to...had to. And the more uncomfortable I got, the quieter I became, the less able to show in my face or with my words there was a problem. So maybe I don't like museums because the sensory experience I had trumped the art or the space or the beauty. I have the autism that shuts down, not the autism that screams and yells, this kind is sneaky, quiet and to the outside 'well behaved'.
But when Torrey looked into my eyes in a San Fransisco museum a few weeks ago as tears welled up because I was over hungry and over stimulated but could no longer talk, he knew. He knew when he asked "do you want something to eat, are you okay?" and I couldn't even really respond, that we were at code red. Even though just a half hour before I was FINE, I love science and nature and learning, I love these things this place was made for. Even writing this brings the feeling and tears right back. He rushed off and bought me a sandwich, as I devoured the first half and started to work on the second the words came back. 'Wow', I said, 'I didn't realize... I didn't realize how bad it had gotten'. 'I know' he said 'I could see it in your eyes, I was just testing you by asking you questions, I knew if you couldn't respond that it meant it was bad". Fuck, these are the people you need in your corner, those who know you better than you know yourself. Those who know silent Tessa is not golden Tessa.
Maybe all those years people asked me "whats wrong?" when I was quiet in a busy room, maybe, something was wrong. Maybe they did see it, but I didn't. Maybe they knew I could be comfortable and chatty sometimes so when I just stood there, blankly, something seemed wrong. Maybe they assumed I was uninterested, cold, a bitch, unhappy, unfriendly, stuck up, judging them, that hurts a bit to realize but I am sure people did think those things now and again. Maybe they assumed it was them, maybe they assumed they did something wrong. They didn't, its almost NEVER about a single person for me, I like single people, I enjoy almost anyone in the company of one, I think most people are interesting.
Now, if I didn't realize, why does it matter? Oh, well, because when you ignore 'whats wrong' for so long you develop trauma responses to things you maybe do like. You develop an avoidance to people or places when the avoidance is actually to a circumstance or environment.
I love individual people, yet I can't spend more than a few hours with anymore than 4-6 of them in one room. No matter how much they are family or friends of mine, my own kids count double because I have to be responsible for them. So do the math, I literally have bandwidth for one or two more people on top of my immediate family at a time. And even then I often cant really talk or interact how I would like to until the kids go to bed or if we can get out for a walk or work on a project. The confusion of digesting ALL THAT input from ALL THOSE sources without any of my coping tactics, that burns me out faster. If I do have to do that I prefer to be in charge, so I can control as much as possible. Long events with more than a few people feel like a big deal to my nervous system and body, I need recovery or a lot more regulation. They seem unavoidable as so much of our social world relies on group get togethers. So I have to learn to adapt better. Over the years I would find one person to talk to in bigger groups, one at a time, often making that person feel good about the attention (I hope! But sometimes like I was flirting...oops) but also I know, making others feel left out. It was never about my care for them, it was always about my ability... or inability to multi task humans. Or I would dance or play a game, those things I can do with others willingly.
Im just...just learning. Maybe I can take breaks, walks, play a game with Lily in a quiet room, bring more snacks because more mental energy takes more food energy, bring something to do with my hands or a project, maybe I don't just have to avoid things all together maybe I can have support people around me that help me help myself. I was working through this in therapy and we decided I need a bit of a tool bag of helpful things for these spaces. Maybe a few flash cards with ideas to regulate, so my brain doesn't have to work as hard to recall on the spot. Maybe learn to knit or crochet and ask to take walks. I have to give myself the permission to be honest, that its hard, that I am not okay. If I can find some middle ground I can start to build better memories and feelings around these environments, increase the pattern of pleasant feelings instead of pushing myself to its limits.
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