(Wes is THREE you guys! THREE! Mind blown)
I feel like all my blog posts should start "Oh...right..." Often times I am struggling with something then I learn something that wasn't even on my radar as a 'cause' and it clarifies the whole situation. For example all summer my left heel was bothering me. Causing me to cut back on running (I was exhausted anyways so I didn't mind too much) and baby it. I was hobbling around all summer long blaming it on my flip flops or being barefoot in the house all the time. I swore it was NOT my running shoes. I only wore them running and it didn't really hurt when I ran. Well turns out it was my running shoes. I got checked out by a PT friend and it was the first thing he noticed. I got more supportive ones (Ghost from Brooks) and its slowly going away. Damn I could have done that months ago!
I feel that way with hormones. I think I was always in a little bit of denial that they really mentally or physically effected me. PMS hormones, pregnancy hormones, breastfeeding hormones. Deep down I thought I could will their effects away, that I could blame my roller coaster emotions and energy to just life being too busy or me not getting enough rest or sleep.
Then in Sept Lily weaned. For the first time in almost 4 years I wasn't pregnant or breastfeeding. FOR THE FIRST TIME I didn't have hormone surges that were related to having children. And all of a sudden I am way less tired, I wake up in the morning with energy to start my day, not begging Torrey to please please just let me sleep a half hour more. I am up before the kids some days! I also feel totally different running. Dare I say it, I feel a bit like my old self. I am peppier and have more energy and it doesn't wipe me out as much. But the biggest shift is that I can push myself again. I accidentally ran 12 miles a few weeks ago with friends. I hadn't even run for an hour in over a month and I just busted out 12 like it was no big deal. If I had tried to do that two months before I would have CRASHED AND BURNED. Breastfeeding Tessa is like this "Oh you want to push yourself? Oh well NOPE, BODY SHUT DOWN, SHUT DOWN NOW, SAVE ENERGY FOR THE BABY" Really its dramatic, I have to stop and walk, dramatic. So I have taught myself to conserve energy and be really really cautious about not using up all my energy on running for life and the kids. I talked about it this summer after a 30 mile week wiped me out for 2 weeks straight. I just could not do it.
I am lucky that breastfeeding came fairly smoothly to me and other than being a little under supplied (I could never pump very much but this was just my bodys way and I don't think running had anything to do with it) it seemed like we did well these kids and I. I cherish the moments I had and the ability and am so glad I did it for a year with both of them. I don't regret one bit of it. But I wish I had really understood like I do now. I spent a lot of my runs this past year feeling off, putting frowny faces in my log book but for no real reason why.
This last month every run has felt really pretty good. I don't know my pace (I stopped running with a garmin mid summer because it just stressed me out) but I know I feel better after. Things are a bit transition-y with work, the kids and our holiday busy season so I cant really devote more time to running but I am looking forward to this next year. For the first time in many months I think that maybe I can run and work and have a family. Maybe I will have the energy for it all now that my body is well... my body again and I don't really have to share it anymore. And maybe I will remember this for when I hit menopause (or have another kid, but really.... hahahhahhaha.... that just makes me laugh right now. Not gonna happen). To be even more gentle on myself. To believe what they say about the energy and hormones and to know that it will get better and it is such a short time overall.
(Disclaimer: please do not let this scare you from having babies or breastfeeding if its something you want to do! Totally worth it, I was just in denial. There is plenty of time for running and its true, they are only babies once. But I will also say maybe this is part of the reason spacing kids out a little more is a good idea. I love that these two are close but I think physically and mentally it would have been a bit easier on me to have a true break in between. Ah well, I wouldn't change a thing now.)
(Straight off breastmilk and on to ice cream cake, this girl knows whats up)
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